(un)altered

Today’s my birthday, and birthdays are a great moment to reflect on life. (Last year I shared a bunch of deep learnings with you, remember?) I usually take some time to think about what has changed in the past year, what I want more or less of in my life. However, this year I somehow put more emphasis on thinking about all the things that have not changed. All the ways in which – deep down – I have always been the same person.
 
Sometimes we deviate from our core believes for a while (I sure did when working in a somewhat shady startup…), we manage to mask our true colors and take on layers of learned behavior or multiple identities. But the most nurturing connections in life are made when we show up whole-heartedly, right? We tap into our peak productivity when we get into a state of flow that matches our talents and interests. And we are having the most genuine fun when we are letting go of what others might be expecting of us. That’s why I am really determined to find out more about my deep truths in the course of the next year.
 
Here are some of the eternal truths about me I figured out so far:
 

• Books are my happy place. I can fully immerse myself into these worlds and forget anything around me and I can get into this state within seconds. (I also really believe that the best books find you, not the other way around 😉
• Gifts and words are my love language, especially in combination. That’s why self-written poems are my ultimate gift 😊
• I love hosting hand-picked people and paying a lot (sometimes too much…) attention to all the little details.
• I am a very introvert person (although I did not start honoring this fact until a few years ago…). I recharge my batteries when I am on my own and ideally in silence.
• I am a really good friend and friendships are extremely important to me. I only have few people I call friends, but I would do anything for them and try to stay in touch with them anywhere around the world.
• I am a free spirit. I love to set my own rules and to re-invent parts of my life when I feel I’ve grown out of a phase. 
• I hate talking on the phone (unless I am the one who scheduled it). In fact, I usually don’t pick up when someone calls me unexpectedly (unless it is the daycare or school). I tend to wait until people send me a message to explain what they need. Yeah, I know I’m a weirdo 😉 So, if I ever ignored your call: sorry about that, that’s just how I am wired…

 
What are your deep truths about yourself?
 
I guess we all have some understanding of our deep truths on some level. Being more explicit about them, however, can really help us close the gap between what we need and what we grant ourselves, between what we think and what we say, between what gives us energy and what we spend our time on.
 
And my map on this journey has two axes: truth and joy. I wrote about the importance of radical truth in my newsletter about addiction recently. That is a journey I already embarked on and I luckily I am surrounded by some kick-ass role models when it comes to honesty. But what about joy? This whole newsletter project started in 2020 in quest of little butterfly moments where I feel at peace, at ease, connected and joyful. I even wrote an whole newsletter about fun. Yet three years later, frankly, I feel like I haven’t made a ton of process in this area… I still spend far too much time worrying about the future, obsessing about my tasks or moving through my days in a constant frenzy. 

Recently, I asked my husband a deep question: “If there was one thing you could change about me, what would it be?” Guess what he said? “I would want you to be less uptight and have more fun.” I couldn’t agree more.
 
That is something that is really high on my wish list. And so, for my birthday, I am giving myself a jar and a bag of marbles. We used to have one of those for the kids, so they could celebrate themselves for any achievement they felt was worth celebrating by putting one or multiple marbles into that jar. Once it was filled, we went on a little fun day trip together. However, I am already constantly focusing on achieving so much that I need a very different jar: I am giving myself a big fat FUN JAR where I can keep score of all the little and big fun moments in my life – butterfly moments, if you will. One that serves as a prominent reminder of how to feel more alive and playful.

 
My goal is to

• notice the fun moments in my life more deliberately to not let them pass by unnoticed  (memo to myself: I might need to add a fun journal to my gratitude journal 😉
• find out more about what fun really looks like for me (hint: it’s not the Fail Tuesday pic dump on Watson that my husband constantly tries to get me excited about) 
• practice having fun to infuse my life with more joy and silliness. (Yes, apparently you can build that muscle over time and also learn to not feel guilty about having more fun. Just today I listened to a recent episode of We Can Do Hard Things where Amanda shared that she made it a habit to dance during every elevator ride. Love it.)
• prove to myself that some mental models about myself should and can be altered. A year from now I hope my kids will say: Our mom is a pretty laid back person having lots of fun everyday (who doesn’t love a moonshot goal… 🙈🙃)

And maybe once the marble jar is full, I will treat myself to a day of excessive worrying about my chores 😉


Lots of love
Tanja

This text was first published in my though-letter Tanja’s Butterflies (April Edition 2024 ). If you are interested in receiving the next editions in your inbox including additional resources such as inspiring quotes, books and more, you can subscribe here.