In and Out of Love
| I don’t know what’s going on lately and if it is only in my circle, but a lot of people seem to be going through a rough patch in their relationships. This made me think about nothing less than … drumroll… love for this edition of Tanja’s Butterflies. Don’t you think there is something rather static attached to the concept of love? Like it’s a state of aggregation? “I am married.” or “We are in love.” (not to pretend that marriage and love necessarily correspond in all cases…) What does this even mean? I am in love. It suggests there is a space and a border around it – and once you cross it you are out of love. But how do you know you are still “in love”? Can you recognize you are “out of love” while you are crossing that border or only in hindsight The thing is: If you aren’t lucky enough to have friends who talk to you bluntly about what is going on in their marriages and partnerships (even if it scares the crap out of everyone to admit that things are not going as smoothly as you had wished…), it looks like most people are doing just fine in their relationships – until they don’t. Which is when they split up (or even worse: they don’t). Love is a bit like a three-storey family house: you want it to feel warm and cosy, look tidy and neat. At first you invest a lot of energy in keeping it clean, you love showing it to others or just spending the entire day together in this place. But over time it keeps getting messy. And there is the good kind of messy where you acknowledge: I could invest so much energy to pretend we got everything under control, but I prefer to surrender to the fact that on some days we don’t – which then might make other people feel more at ease when they look at your house because it makes them feel ok about their slightly messy houses, too (we’re still talking about love, stick with me…). And there is the bad kind of messy, the moment where you lose control and it looks like it’s a lost case, with all the unneeded stuff you accumulated, the dirty clothes on the floor and the bugs. How do you tell the good kind of messy from the bad? Some people can be perfectly fine in a very messy house that gets shaken to the bones and needs to be rebuilt from time to time. Some people get a panic attack when they spot a tiny bit of dust. Just to give you an overview of a few examples of love I came across in the last couple of months: There is this one couple where after a decade she is suddenly feeling attracted to another man. Nothing ever happened, there are just these vibes. And now she is worried: What does this say about my marriage? Why am I feeling like this? And since she is an incredible brave being she even talked to her partner about it. Now he is all confused and worried, oscillating between trying to be the bigger person and staying true to his feelings of jealousy. And on the way all of this triggered his epiphany that he has not focused enough on his personal well-being during the past couple of years and what she sees in this other guy is a “butterfly” version of him (one that is a lot of fun to hang out with) he has lost in the process of covering himself with mental load of all sorts. And suddenly as they are trying to make their way through this messy puddle of emotions, there is this new-found connection between the two of them. There is this other couple, star-struck and crazy in love that just met a few months ago who built their relationship on magic moments and is now facing the struggles of awakening in the day-to-day life – with one person being eradicated from their home country without any social roots here in Switzerland which creates some sort of disbalance and dependency in this relationship. Here one person’s definition of “in love” seems to be much more narrow (just the “magic” cup) than the other’s – and so one of them gets really nervous when the relationship starts to get a little less sparkly which makes the other person really uneasy. There is this third couple – one I have always looked up to in awe for their connection and steadiness. And suddenly the world collapses as she finds out that he is in deep financial trouble (which means they are) and has not paid health insurance and many of his bills in months or even years. And despite her disappointment in the very middle of the shit storm, she still knows he is the one and works it out with him. He does his fair share of therapy and work and they end up being even closer and more true to each other. There is this fourth couple where she suddenly finds a close-up masturbation video of a female colleague of his on his phone (which is usually locked, but this time it wasn’t and her intuition just told her that she needed to take a look). And while she knows he is not having an affair and he is “just” curious about other female bodies (even dreaming of a threesome), she is deeply hurt and worried she might not be enough for her husband. She also feels embarrassed for him and herself, so much so that she is having the hardest time even telling her best friends about this. And there is the last couple where she feels like she is carrying all the mental load of the family, hustling all the time – just to be told by her partner that she should lighten up and be less uptight about everything. Where there is a lot of deep trust and love, but also a lot of “learned helplessness” (the kind of “I can’t possibly put away the kids’ clothes because I don’t know where they belong.”) that has been fueled by both parties – and everyone is just longing to be truly held and seen. I told you. It’s really messy. And chances are you know that, too. It feels like you need to get pretty close to the rim of your love cup sometimes to re-establish your real connection. How can you tell when you are in or out of love? How long or how often can you be out of love and still trust your relationship will be able to endure it? Asking for a friend. Really! Lots of love, Tanja This text was first published in my though-letter Tanja’s Butterflies (January Edition 2023). If you are interested in receiving the next editions in your inbox including additional resources such as inspiring quotes, books and more, you can subscribe here. |
