Go Nuts

I don’t know about you, but I’m furious. At least a couple of times per week. Sometimes it’s the kids who just don’t want to go to sleep. Sometimes it’s the husband who dares to take a nap while the dishes are procrastinating in the sink. Sometimes it’s the polished Linkedin world or the fact that it’s always the same five parents who volunteer for any kind of school activity. Most of the time, however, it’s me being furious at myself. For not sleeping enough, for eating too much chocolate, for not taking the time to practice the piano, for moving 450 km away from my family.
 
When I ignore my rage, it often turns into envy. I start feeling like I’m surrounded by people who are able to practice yoga every day, do date nights every week, work more, work less, who are thinner, crazy in love, starting something new… you name it.
 
The result is this: The more dark feelings I am experiencing, the more I am trying to turn them down. Because I know I got it all: kids, marriage, a challenging job, a house (well ok, technically, we don’t really own that one yet… 😉) – hell, I am even about to go on a 2-months sabbatical on Bali. So, who do I think I am to still crave more?
 
This is what I figured out recently: It’s not so much about craving more. The real issue is that I am not specific enough about what it is that I want. I am not having the guts to look closer whenever my emotions tell me: “This is not it.” or “Look at that person, I want what she’s having!”
 
So, I started a new list (yes, I have lists for everything and I’m well-known for even creating lists for things I have already accomplished, just for the sake of crossing things off…). And this might be the most important list I have ever created. It’s called “My Go Nuts List”.
 

How do you create a Go Nuts List?

It’s quite easy: In preparation, you start writing down everything that sucks right now. From how you don’t take enough time to work out or have a proper lunch to how your partner does not really get your deepest fears. From how parent-unfriendly your work environment is to how you would like to live in a different place. Whatever it is that triggers you, the biggest problems, the smallest things that annoy you on a frequent basis.
 
Hint: I don’t do this all at once. I start somewhere and write for as long as I feel like it. Then I come back to the list a couple of days later or scribble things on post-its whenever I have an epiphany.
 
Now here comes the hard part (just in case this first step was easy…):

• Starting from everything that annoys you, write down what your life would look like if you could have it all.  You don’t care about whether the things on your list are mutually exclusive. You ignore all restrictions: financial limitations, geographical challenges, basically everyone else’s needs.
• Whenever you get stuck, your guiding question is: What would I want or do if I was not afraid?
• Then you dig deeper until it becomes really specific. I’ll give you one example: Our kids have not learned yet how to fall asleep by themselves. This leads to the fact that every evening one of us or even both parents are losing out on a big portion of their evening while accompanying them to sleep. Now, when my kids don’t agree to be put to bed at what I consider a decent time, I start getting angry at them. But what do I really want?
  • Is it about predictability? Do I want them to go to bed before 8 p.m., so I can plan my evening and have a proper phone date with my friends?
  • Is it about their autonomy? Do I value their freedom to choose when it’s the time for them to go to bed, but want them to fall asleep on their own so I can go about my evening?
  • Is it about me being on call for them all the time, so would it be ok for them to stay awake as long as they don’t need anything from me during that time?

 
This is the real work. I’m probably not even half-way through my Go Nuts List and it already expanded to about 14 pages on my notepad…
 
A few things it now includes:
 

• I realized I don’t want to be responsible for all the presents for the family, our children, other children… Do I want Tobias to take over all the gift-related tasks? No. Presents are one of my most dominant love languages. So what do I want? Maybe I want him to take over all the presents for his side of the family and all the presents for Christmas, and I’ll keep doing the birthday gifts because I love birthdays. I’m still figuring this out. 

• I don’t mind that my kids crawl into our bed every night. I love cuddling with the entire family. What I want is to be able to get up in the morning as early as I want without any of them starting to yell and make a scene. And I want to be able to spend an entire night on my own in another room whenever I want without feeling guilty about it. 

• I want to know how much money I really need and to have the courage to stop working whenever I hit that number. I want to spend the remaining time of the year traveling, writing or doing pro-bono work.

 
 
Why am I telling you this? Not because I think I will ever be able to make everything on my list come true. I am writing this because more often than not we are limiting us so much in our head that we don’t even dare to think about what it actually is or isn’t that we would like to experience in our lives. And the more specific we are, the more likely we are to a) realize how big the gap between reality and wishful thinking really is, b) communicate our needs more clearly, c) start coming up with creative solutions, proxies or trade-off decisions that move us closer to our goals.
 
So grab a piece of paper and get your own Go Nuts List started. I’m very curious to know what kind of conversation it is going to spark and what you are going to learn about your own needs and desires.
 
 Lots of love,
Tanja

This text was first published in my though-letter Tanja’s Butterflies (April Edition 2023 – Part 1). If you are interested in receiving the next editions in your inbox including additional resources such as inspiring quotes, books and more, you can subscribe here.