Taboos

A couple of weeks ago, a relative’s big birthday was coming up. My family and some of our close relatives agreed to prepare a rather expensive gift in light of this celebration and as a thank you for many occasions in which we received presents and support from this person in the past. While it was meant as a sweet gesture, we ended up in a rather awkward situation where our relative publicly refused to accept the gift. Instead, she decided to give away most parts of her present in front of us and cut off all the bills I had neatly folded as butterflies and spread across her fruit basket. To paint the full picture you need to know that she comes from a different culture in which apparently accepting gifts brings up mixed feelings. And yet we were all puzzled by her behavior given she has been living in our culture for quite some time. We expected her to say thank you and accept the present. Instead, she broke a taboo. 

This little incident sparked my interest in the subject and led to many interesting conversations about different types of taboos. I started paying attention to the taboos that are manifesting around me and realized that my life is greatly affected by many of them. Here is a list of  taboo topics I came across in my own life or within the circle of close friends and relatives – just in the past six weeks!

• refusing a present
• talking about money (such as salary, but also debts or financial crisis)
• bringing up infertility, miscarriages & post-partum blues
• admitting addictions & mental diseases
• talking about sex (including fantasies and the desire to live a polyamourous life)
• sharing dark feelings (such as anger, jealousy and sadness)
• discussing the female cycle (including, but not limited to heavy menstrual pain – which by the way might be caused by a chronic disease called endometriosis)
• speaking about our fears (of failure, rejection, you name it…)
• telling a friend that this relationship is no longer nurturing us
• asking people about their weight and age

It’s incredible how many topics we do NOT talk about, even and especially within our closest circles of friends and family – no matter how much these topics keep affecting our daily lives. However, in the past couple of weeks I have also been able to witness a few situations where either me or someone else opened up about one of those taboo topics – and in all of these cases it has brought everyone involved closer (at least to themselves, but in most cases also to each other). 

So I keep wondering why we as a society choose to discard so many relevant topics and decide to keep pretending we have our sh** together at all times. I did a little research… The term «taboo» stems from the Tongan «tapu» or Fijian «tabu» and was introduced into the English language by Captain James Cook after visiting the island of Tonga. Here, the word was used for «any thing that is forbidden to be eaten or made use of». According to Wikipedia, today a «taboo is an implicit prohibition on something (usually against an utterance or behavior) based on a cultural sense that it is excessively repulsive or, perhaps, too sacred for ordinary people. (…) Taboos are often meant to protect the human individual, but there are numerous other reasons for their existence. An ecological or medical background is apparent in many, including some that are seen as religious or spiritual in origin. Taboos can help use a resource more efficiently, but when applied to only a subsection of the community they can also serve to suppress said subsection of the community. A taboo acknowledged by a particular group or tribe as part of their ways aids in the cohesion of the group, helps that particular group to stand out and maintain its identity in the face of others and therefore creates a feeling of ‹belonging›.»

Excessively repulsive or too sacred for ordinary people? I have a really hard time wrapping my head around this – at least for the list of taboos I mentioned above. It seems to me that taboos on the one hand side do contribute quite significantly to our cultural identity (and thus to our sense of belonging), on the other hand side they keep creating distance by shunning certain topics from our every day lives that otherwise had the potential to connect us as human beings. (I am fully aware that I am not seeing the full ethymological and cultural picture here, my research consists of reading a couple of articles and watching a few interviews, so if you feel you have any perspective to add, I’d be delighted to hear it.)

Anyways, I recently took the decision to tap into the power of breaking taboos whenever I feel this might create a chance for deep human connection. While I definitely do not want my kids to become social outcasts who constantly create awkward situationgs or waltz over someone’s feelings by ignoring cultural context, I still decided to raise their awareness about the existence of taboos and to allow them to question their benefits depending on the situation. 

And I want to take this post as an opportunity to break a couple of taboos myself – as a chance to open the door for some meaningful conversations and for you and me to grow closer. 

• On Sunday, I am turning 36 (just in case you ever wondered about my age 🙂
• As teenager I suffered from anorexia and bulimia for several years and until today I can still feel the aftershock of my eating disorders. 
• I first saw a therapist at the age of 24 and still see treat myself to a session whenever I feel restless or stuck in my life. 
• In 2017, I missed my own wedding because I ran into a burn-out without noticing it and broke down after the reception. This has become a turning point in my life in many ways.
• While I love my kids with every fiber of my being, they really, really drive me crazy on many occasions and I very often lose my cool with them, throwing all my wonderful principles over board and feeling like a total failure as a mother.  

Which taboos are affecting your life? What would happen if you opened up to somebody about them? Have you ever deliberately or unconsciously broken any? How did this make you feel? I am very curious about your stories and hope this post will spark many interesting conversations for you, too.  

Tanja

This text appeared in my thought-letter Tanja’s Butterflies (April Edition 2021). In case you are interested in future editions, feel free to sign up here.