5 Stages of Grief

Today, I was supposed to board a plane to Morocco, to do some yoga with my dear friends Judith and Stefanie and to put some daylight between myself and my every-day life. Instead, this morning I had to go for a run in the *freaking* snow next to my house. I am surrounded by my every-day laundry and my every-day kids. 

For weeks, I had this feeling that something was about to go wrong with this trip. I have extensively been wearing face masks, got tested several times and planned every little detail about this trip. I am literally sitting on a perfectly packed suitcase with a negative PCR test, a triple-checked excel packing list and a pre-filled entry form for the airport in Morocco. The one tiny little detail I forgot to check: my passport’s expiration date… 

Getting my passport out of its drawer had been on my to-do list for days, but it was buried in other tasks, from vacuuming to work, from traveling to Berlin to picking up kids from daycare. And by the time I got to this part on my list, it was Wednesday night.  

So I went through the first three stages of grief: denial, anger (yes, my kids definitely learned a couple of new swear words…) and bargaining. I had 30 hours left to try and find a way to get a provisional passport which – turns out – is impossible for a German living abroad, even when you are prepared to go to the German border. By the time my friends touched down in Marrakesh I hit stage four: depression. 

I beat myself up for hours for this stupid mistake, I blamed my mental load, setting my priorities wrong. Mrs. Spreadsheet does not forget to check her passport expiration date. That’s just not something that happens to me. But it did. And it’s just human. 

After spending hours googling for alternative destinations in Europe, at some point I let go and got to stage five: acceptance. I am not flying anywhere just out of defiance, I am also not coming up with a new glorious plan on how to make the most out of the next four days. I am staying put, accepting the fact that I am just tired and sad. That I am not in the mood for taking any decisions right now and that I’m just not ready for a solution yet. 

Some people have a hard time getting shit down. I have the hardest time NOT getting anything done. So let’s see what happens when I let go for once and don’t have a plan for a couple of days…

I guess this is one of the stories in my life I am going to laugh about in a few months. One that potentially made room for something else that’s important right now. But connecting the dots is something that happens backwards. Right now it just feels messy and wrong. 

But you know what would make me feel better? Hearing other people’s stories about what went wrong and how it turned out to be ok – or not 🙂 So if you feel like sharing, I happen to have some spare time…

Have a wonderful weekend, wherever you are!
Tanja

This text was first published in my though-letter Tanja’s Butterflies (April Edition 2022). If you are interested in receiving the next editions in your inbox with additional resources, you can subscribe here.